Still not

I still can’t seem to settle down here and it’s really starting to irritate me. Not just depress, but irritate. I moved up here thinking I’d love it, the seasons, the mountains, the trees, the old buildings, and I just have NO feelings for any of it. I don’t understand it at this point. Maybe if I’d moved out from the friend’s apartment earlier, maybe if I’d moved every year like I did (well almost every year) in Orlando to keep things fresh… Maybe if I wasn’t so tired and broke all the time. One weekend I just need to go somewhere, but I’m afraid I’ll just end up too sore to do anything but lie on the hotel room bed–this is assuming I can find a room. And assuming I can get a vacation. Everyone at work is just taking time off left and right but I can’t, because the office would fall apart with out me there to take care of the Client, which is a big old baby. I’m tired of it! I just saw another email about one of the night dock clerks going on vacation and can we volunteer? I am not doing it. I did six hours during the day this past Saturday and it was bad enough, I am not doing a night. I don’t see how I can. I will refuse.

I wish I hadn’t signed a new lease for this place, but I am just not financially ready to move. I wish I was, I need to get away from this freaking building. It’s not that it’s all that terrible, I am just so TIRED and BORED and I can’t seem to get this place cleaned up and my friend won’t get rid of the furniture pieces he’s storing here and they are IN MY WAY and I want to get rid of all of them, even the ones I am using. I need to do a huge clean out but I need time off to do it, a weekend isn’t enough. I want to get rid of so many things, I was going to have an apartment sale, but I don’t even have the energy for that, and I think I’d be too embarrassed to see people picking over my shit and making that polite face that I make when I go to garage sales and pick over peoples’ shit. I just want this place virtually empty the way it was when I moved in and fell in love with it. Then I could start over.

I’m adding another paragraph about the job, just that I wish I had the nerve to look for a new one. It would have to pay as much or more than I’m making, and I could probably find one because the market is still desperate for workers, but I just can’t nerve myself up to do it. Also I do have job security at this place even though I feel somehow like it’s a pit of death (the person who came in when my temporary shift was over Saturday said he’d just come from his mother-in-law’s funeral, our general manager, who is younger than me, is in the hospital recovering–we hope–from a massive heart attack, I’ve had three people drop dead here over the years while I was present on the grounds, more people who worked here died offsite, this is the freaking valley of death, and I’m not getting any younger and I can’t seem to move my ass enough to get back in shape so I’m worried about MY health as well). But would another job be any better, or would I just be adding the “I’m stupid old incompetent new useless” feeling I got when I started working here. That was thanks to shitty coworkers, but hey. I’ll try to stick it out until I get my 401K money, assuming some stupid thing doesn’t happen to ruin my life as it tends to do.